I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
