i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
