You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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