great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
