Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
