Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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