have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
