My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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