Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just found puke in my bra..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
