Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
