Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
