Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
