I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
