the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
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No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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