a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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