Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize