dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
