There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
