Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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