i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
