I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
