Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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