I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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