Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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