A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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