ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
