He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
