You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
