after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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