A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
