Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
