i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
