my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
