I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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