the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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