So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
