just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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