Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
