I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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