Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
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That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
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SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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