good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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