We're like a lot better than the average bears
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
