so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
