when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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