thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
