Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
