____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
