Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
