sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
