I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
