My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
