He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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