I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
