It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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