I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
